who are these millions of fanatic bush supporters? what has he done in the last four years to command anything except resentment or shame? how can so many find the remotest justification for voting that maniac back in again? it boggles my mind. i am at such a loss. am i even american? i don't understand my own country.

i think that is what saddens me the most about this whole mess. before, i always made a distinction between the shortsighted and destructive actions of the u.s. government, and the intentions of actual, everyday americans, whom i held to be more accurate indicators of our country's mentality. i tolerated the trespasses of this reckless adminstration because i believed that, ultimately, when given the facts and the choice, the american people would not approve of being deceived. they would not approve of having their hard-earned money stockpiled in the savings accounts of the rich, living in the shadow of a trillion-dollar debt, robbing future generations of social security, writing discrimination into the consitution, losing essential civil rights and freedoms, hijacking the republican party's fiscally conservative and small-government standards in favor of an extremist, intrusive, and dogmatic agenda, or, least of all, carving a swath of wanton destruction through millions of civilian homes, without evidence of threat, semblance of international support, or adequate plans for post-war peace, and at great loss of american life, security, and respect worldwide.

i was convinced that, despite political or ideological differences, surely americans as a whole could not condone such damaging, poorly conceived, and poorly executed policies. and because i truly felt that i related to americans on a fundamental level, both culturally and morally, i didn't think i could be that far off the mark. now, i'm not so certain that i even understand the average american. i accepted the previous blunders and miscalculations of our country because i always had faith that, in the end, the american people would gravitate back to the same basic values of equality, freedom of choice and expression, tolerance, and compassion. given the results of this election, that's not so easy to believe anymore. i'm beginning to doubt whether the underlying connection that i thought i shared with my fellow citizens truly exists.

it's disheartening...having to acknowledge that i am not as in touch with my own people as i thought, or wished, i was. it's even more disillusioning to admit that many of the traits i consider to be intolerable in a president (rigid even in the face of overwhelming counter-evidence, dangerously oversimplistic in one's depiction of the world, reliant on "gut instinct", "faith", and messianic delusions in situations where reason, balance, and nuanced, fact-based analysis should rightfully be employed) are the same things many americans deem admirable. laudable, even. despite all my criticism for certain policies, i have always been proud and grateful to be a citizen of the united states. nowadays, sadly, it's simply that much harder to maintain that pride.